The Good and Bad Kinds of Pirate Love. - 2004-02-09 9:09 p.m.

Last night marked the close of yet another theme weekend. This time it was Amanda and Kristina's official "Johnny Depp Weekend". We took in enough of his films to make an emu howl. Well, OK, just three. But still. We created a drinking song to commemorate the occassion.

"Yo ho, I'm the best pirate ever
I am also "From Hell".
Even though I have scissors for hands
I'm going to catch that Headless Horseman.
Will you tell me "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?"
While I double cross some drug lords down in Mexico.
Once "Ed Wood" directed a film
Where Freddy Kruguer killed me in my sleep.
Take a walk with me down "21 Jump Street"!
Oh I'm Johnny Depp
Hey I'm Johnny Depp
Yes I'm Johnny Depp
Won't you love me?"

I didn't say it was a GOOD song!

Quote of the weekend: "There's the good kind of pirate love, and the bad kind of pirate love. The good is between me and Johnny or me and Orlando. The bad kind is between Johnny and Orlando. Not that being gay is bad, but Johnny and Orlando aren't allowed to be gay. I didn't make the gay rules. They're just there." - Kristina

Do You Know Where Your Genitals Have Been? - 2004-02-07 4:39 p.m.

Monday marks the start of National Sexual Responsibility Week. We need to take better care of our pee-pees and hoo-has, people! A co-worker told me I "worried too much" after I had 3 STD tests in the space of 13 months, just to make sure I'm not skeezy. I disagree with her. Chlamydia is nothing to clap at.

-Approximately 20% of American adults carry genital herpes. Most of these people are walking around unawares!

-1 in 4 American teenagers carries an STD.

-Strictly bloodborne STDs like HIV are on the decrease due to condom use. HOWEVER, all the contact-spread STDs are on a SHARP increase. You need more than a condom these days, folks!

-No one is ever allowed to touch my hoo-ha again. One day, I may have a child by way of a Dixie cup of sperm and a turkey baster.

Benzodiazepines and Samwise Gamgee - 2004-02-04 4:25 p.m.

I really ought to pay more attention in class. Here's a portion of my notes from today's pharamacology lecture.

"There ain't no party like a hobbit party cause a hobbit party don't stop!" - 2004-02-03 11:37 p.m.

I have found the best band ever. EVER. I introduce you to The Lords of the Rhymes. They rap on Tolkien. Seriously. My socks are officially knocked off.

Some choice lyrics from "Nine Fingered Frodo":
"I'm Frodo of the nine fingers straight from the fire
I'm the baddest motherfucker from the land called Shire
All you sucka MCs can't compare
To a shire b-boy with shaggy hair.
We're two hobbit rappers with the savoire-faire
All you Rohan riders put your fist in the air."

"Well I'm Aragorn and I'm back from the dead
They call it Dwimmorburg and it ain't Club Med
We ride for ruin and world's ending
I'm the once and motherfuckin' future king."

I would pay way too much money to see these guys at a gig.

Which LotR Song Are You?
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"Don't say we have come now to the end. White shores are calling - you and I will meet again." You are "Into The West"! You love your friends dearly, but really ought to invite them on your next boat trip.

I Is Smart. - 2004-02-01 8:19 p.m.

I stopped at Super-Quik for gasoline today. Characteristic of me, my terrible parking job left me nowhere CLOSE to the pump. Instead of moving my car like a normal person, I spent at least 5 minutes trying to make the pump-handle reach my car. Finally, a less retarded soul pumping gas beside me said: "Hey, it would be a lot easier if you just moved your car a little closer." Friends, I is smart.

Know what's sad? Eminem has an Oscar. Martin Scorcese doesn't. Conclusion: Scorcese didn't bad-mouth his mother enough.