Boar: the other white meat. - 2005-01-15 4:18 p.m.

I have shoved my foot in my mouth. Down my throat, even. I've had lots of fun recently at Shannon and Boone's expense, what with the step-sibling sex. I completely forgot about my friend who'se father married her ex-boyfriend's mother last year. Not the same situation, I know, but I'm embarassed nonetheless. Sorry if that was awkward, somedays I'm kinda retarded.

Hhmm, should I spend the day studying for the boards or writing third-rate haikus? Haikus. At least I mixed topics this time.

John Rhys-Davis: is
he dwarf Gimli, or Indy's
large Egyptian friend?

Frodo is not gay.
At least, that's what he told Sam
in the sack last night...

Elf Legolas is sexy,
but needs more time to preen than
I ever dreamt of.

So you leared the bass
and sniff hardcore drugs? You're still
a hobbit to me.

Suspense is getting
old. Am tired of waiting.
Find Claire already!

Doctor Jack mopes and
whines. Get over it; we all
have daddy issues.

John Locke is handy
with knives in the jungle. Boar:
the other white meat.

No toilet paper
or antibiotics. At
least there's a golf course!

Just bamboo, boar and
bananas. Where's Martha Stew
-art when you need her?

Haikus? Haik-mes! - 2005-01-14 11:54 p.m.

If you're familiar with Hotmail, you know all the little articles MSN recommends to read when you really just wanna get to your e-mail. This evening, I quickly skimmed over the titles: "John Kerry: Will he run again?" and something else about how to lose weight.

In my haste, I read "John Kerry: Will he lose weight?"

I didn't even think he was fat.

Also, LOST-centric haikus - a testament to insomnia.

The cast of LOST is
sexy, but don't forget - no
condoms on island.

Watership Down, but
a tropic locale. Which bun
-ny is Locke; Fiver?

Sun speaks English, but
don't tell Jin. He kills for the
Asian Mafia.

Fucked your step-brother?
Strange, but then again, if Boone
was my step-brother...

I can't decide if
Sawyer's redeemeable or
a total asshole.

Jedi or a dead
philospher? Either way,
Locke can kick my ass.

"Dude, pee on my foot!"
I love you Hurley, but I
don't do watersports.

Claire loves you, Charlie.
She needs a baby-daddy.
Give up heroin!

DriveShaft: brothers from
Manchester who fight over drugs.
Oasis, maybe?

Shannon is Never Sorry - 2005-01-14 3:55 a.m.

Can't sleep. Wrote instead. Shirebourn asleep; need beta reader. Does not 'flow' correctly; still needs editing.

Shannon has never been sorry.

After learning she’d have a new step-brother, Shannon turned up her nose. “He smells like dirt.” Boone was visibly crushed; Shannon didn’t care. Her father never coaxed out an apology.

When her father died, Shannon skipped town before the funeral. The French Riviera was far more hospitable. Boone tracked her down and demanded an explanation. “It’s not like he noticed,” was her only reply.

Even before the money ran out, she knew exactly who to scam. Boone had only two things – cash and a hard-on for her. He'd pay up to keep her out of another man’s bed.

Shannon isn’t even sorry for fucking Boone.

Have also discovered greatest new band ever, A World Without Sundays. Frickin' awesome.

Take the Meat Bridge - 2005-01-13 10:08 p.m.

I've heard a lot of stupid questions (the most common being "How big is a 4x6?"), but today, we had a new winner. I robust African-American woman had the best question. EVER.

"Where do you keep the dirty movies? I'm lookin' for the porn."

Lookin' for porn. AT WAL-MART. Even if Wal-Mart did have porn, would it be worth watching?

Also, there must have been a special sale today. All the now-successful people with whom I went to high school recieved half off their purchases. That's the only explanation I have for the presence of nearly ALL of them during the day at the Photo Lab. Seriously, I felt great when telling people "Yeah, I finished my degree but since I'm postponing grad school indefinitely and haven't taken my boards, I still develop film at Wal-Mart." Really, I'm important.

According to poorly-spelled anonymous e-mail I recieved, I "spend way to much time obssessing about lords of the rings and lost." I'd like to counteract by saying the things I enjoy in my spare time are just that, things I enjoy IN MY SPARE TIME. It probably doesn't seem so, but I spend most of my time doing non-fandom-related things. I don't make-believe I'm on a desert island. I don't plan my wedding to Dom Monaghan. I don't I don't draw hobbits on my notebook (OK, I did that ONE TIME, but it was to stay awake during Pharmacology lecture. Benzodiazepines are incredibly boring.) I have a sense of the difference between being a fan and centering your life around a fandom. I realize I'll never meet these people I adore outside fan interaction like The Fuselage or a convention. But as far as fandoms go, I think I picked swell ones. LotR is the most beautiful story I've read/seen, and it's themes have been instrumental in the development of my personal philosophy/mission statement/ethics/whatever. LOST is the most challenging program around; I can't believe something on television has driven people to speculate and theorize and share ideas like this. And Dom...yeah, he's a hottie, but beyond that a beautiful human being. Anyway, the point of my story is: FUCK YOU.

No Words To Express. - 2005-01-13 12:59 a.m.

Near the end of tonight's LOST episode, and suddenly had this urge to get on The Fuselage. After each episode (and between episodes, but regularly afterward) the writers and cast members chat with us obsessees, ask/answer questions, fangirls flirt like crazy, etc. But I didn't log on; I waited because a) I was lazy & warm in bed and b) am trying to be less of an internet loser.

When I did log on tonight, I casually peeked at the VIP archives.

Dom made his debut at The Fuselage at 8:37 tonight. I completely missed him. Two ships passing in the night.

FFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKKKK!

The moral: listen to that damn inner voice.

Incest on Mystery Island! - 2005-01-12 9:35 p.m.

1. The Trapper Keeper/Kindergaten Election episode of South Park is on. Best episode ever. Squee.

2. I don't watch Alias regularly, but it's on after LOST, and I heard the first few minutes. And. Playing in the background. Was a DriveShaft song. Sydney's a DriveShaft fan! Dom/Charlie is such a rock god. He's already musically inclined, wouldn't it be awesome if he put together a DriveShaft EP and pretended to be a (fake) real band? Squee.

3. Tonight's episode of Lost: Did I call that one? DID I CALL IT, BITCH?! The incest on Mystery Island?

"But in the meantime, tonight is Shannon and Boone's backstory on LOST. I'm holding out hope it's a sexy one, in the same vein as Flowers in the Attic." - me, 1:50 p.m.

HOT! I'm not even sure if it's still considered incest if those involved are step-brother/sister, but sexy nonetheless.

Also am now fairly convinced "the monster" isn't an actual monster, but a positive entity that caused or gave Boone his 'vision'. The island gives you what you want, or need, or something like that...but it won't allow you to leave until you have a personal epiphany, or give something back to it, or...something. Oh, also think the authorities know their whereabouts (how could they not in the age of GPS?) but there is some genetic experiment gone awry/Bermuda Triangle-esque anomaly/virus/something else bad and a conscious decision has been made to leave the survivors there. Got all that?

Why is there STILL no one searching for Claire? Claire needs Charlie, and Charlie needs Claire, and dammit find her already. If that baby isn't alive and well, I'll personally knock some heads.

Also Locke's Michaelangelo analogy, and Boone & Sawyer's previous meeting in the Sydney police station, and Locke's Christlike thing he has goin' on what with slowly gathering disciples (Walt, Charlie and Boone so far) and I could go on all night about the 293084203948 intriguing parallel-yet-not-parallel plot lines. My point is the creators of this show are FLIPPIN' BRILLIANT.

I am NOT peeing on Hurley's foot.

4. I promise the next entry won't be television-related.

"Are You Guys Having a Killer Time?" - 2005-01-12 3:56 p.m.

Have you noticed the weather today? Beautiful. It's sixty degrees. In January. Makes me want to plant something. Just saying.

Hungry, Hungry Hurley. - 2005-01-12 1:50 p.m.

This whole 'post-college' yet 'pre-real-job' transition is really wreaking havoc on my life. What have I been doing, you ask?

1) Researching LOST theories and discussing spoilers on message boards.
2) Penning LOST fan fiction.
3) Eating. A lot.

I need a life. But in the meantime, tonight is Shannon and Boone's backstory on LOST. I'm holding out hope it's a sexy one, in the same vein as Flowers in the Attic.

I've never been such a TV loser before. Honestly, I'm finding myself doing homework to try and keep one step ahead of the story. Some examples: characters Rousseau and John Locke (orange peel!) are named after philosophers who advocated life without organzied society or structured government, ie ON A DESERT ISLAND. Sawyer took Boone's copy of Watership Down, which is about rabbits...escaping something. Haven't read it, but am positive the plot is somehow relevant. There's a pregnant rabbit, a pregnant Claire... Also, after last week I'm convinced there's a Jules Verne connection somewhere. Shannon deciphered and sang the french lyrics to "Beyond The Sea", which she learned back on the mainland from the end credits of Finding Nemo...Nemo's namesake was a Jules Verne character in "20,000 Leagues...", and, um, I haven't yet finished the connection relative to this fucked up island.

Seeing that in print made me realize just how much free time I've been wasting.

I accidentally wrote Smutty!Hurley last night. It wasn't on purpose, I promise. It just kind of...came out. Remember that game, "Hungry Hungry Hippos"? Yeah, me too.

"Hungry, Hungry Hurley"

Hurley was hungry.

They were all thinking it. Charlie was just the first to voice it aloud. Hurley was big, and big guys had big appetites. If the boar ran out, he was certain the other survivors would get hostile.

They didn’t understand. He was hungry, but not for their ham and coconuts. Hurley was hungry for…something else. For Claire’s sweet face and cute tummy. For Sun’s soft eyes and smooth hands. For Kate’s long locks and longer legs. For Shannon’s everything.

The hunger kept him up at night. He imagined them nourishing his body, feeding his lust all night. Stuffing climaxes down his throat till there was room for no more. He’d never felt that full before, but he was sure one of those girls could manage it.

Oopsie.

Best Truck Ever. - 2005-01-06 9:45 p.m.

Shirebourn and I made a trip to the friendly neighborhood grocery store this evening. Parked beside us was a truck from the greatest construction company ever. Written on both doors:

Webb's Erection

We ran inside to buy a disposable camera, but by the time the camera was procured, the truck had gone. There went one hilarious truck.

Reasons 2004 Didn't Suck - 2005-01-05 12:22 a.m.

This is a few days late. Oops.

-A college degree! Woot!
-Dom on Lost. Even if you left out Dom, Lost would still count. The last great thing on television.
-Dom shot like what, 3 indie movies to be released 2005?
-My dad emotionally and socially opening up and rejoining society
-This new awesome grinder restaurant that opened 3 blocks from my workplace
-Return of the King's clean sweep of the Oscars (and nearly every other film award program on the planet)
-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind...fucking, fucking, FUCKING brilliant
-Napoleon Dynamite
-Garden State
-The Village...I'm one of what, 3 people that liked it?
-The conclusion to Kill Bill
-The trailer for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Tim Burton, I fall at your feet.
-A lovely, lovely vacation basking on the beach north of Nag's Head
-The easter egg on disc 1 of the ROTK Extended Edition DVD. I shot milk out of my nose. SERIOUSLY. "...You make a movie called Flipper. Very famous movie. The dolphin is dead. Died in a car accident."
-For that matter, the entire ROTK Extended Edition DVD. I actually shed a couple tears. I've met some awesome people through Lord of the Rings, and it's officially the end of our fandom. (Unless PJ secures film rights to The Hobbit, HINT HINT!)
-Gavin DeGraw
-Barbie and Ken as Galadriel and Legolas dolls
-Self-confidence
-Celibacy. Think what you will, but it fucking rocked.
-A fucking huge hottub on the back deck
-Those purses, wallets, etc. made of Kool-Aid and Capri-Sun pouches. I ADORE them.
-Spending $290348902384 on eBay for unnecessary crap
-Shirebourn developing & polishing lots of original and fan-fiction

I Heart Things! - 2004-12-19 12:24 p.m.

So, Friday was my graduation and pinning ceremony. It was mostly very nice. Except.

We filed in to that horrible Vitamin C graduation song.

We filed out to fucking Kellly Clarkson "Breakaway".

THAT IS SO FUCKING TACKY.

Other than that, I was quite pleased. I have a college degree. I'm an adult now. I guess.

In other news....

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Amanda
2. Stupid Bitch
3. Hey You

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HELD:
1. Daizymaizy
2. Daizymaizy1982
3. That's it, but if I needed another I'd pick FindMeCharlieImLost

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I think I'm relatively intelligent.
2. I believe I have the best sense of humor. EVER.
3. I'm a complete impulse shopper, and who doesn't love crap from eBay they don't need?

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Acne. I'm 22, this shouldn't be an issue anymore.
2. I'm totally guilty of intellectual and economic snobbery. It's not cool!
3. The inability to differentiate between sex and love.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Mostly Irish. Irish Catholic, until a generation ago.
2. A little German, I hear.
3. Supposedly my, I think 4 greats-grandmother was a Cherokee Indian.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Failure.
2. Public embarassment.
3. Dying sad and alone.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Clinique Clear Skin Formula Foundation
2. Softlips Cherry Lipbalm
3. Corduroy Dickies Messenger Bag

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Pink American Eagle t-shirt
2. Pink Underpants
3. Contact lenses.

THREE OF YOUR CURRENT FAVOURITE BANDS OR ARTISTS(love the British spelling)
1. Modest Mouse
2. Maroon Five
3. Driveshaft! (Yes, they're fictional. So?)

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. Vindicated Dashboard Confessional
2. Do You Realize? The Flaming Lips
3. Take Your Mama Out Scissor Sisters

THREE FAVOURITE SWEAR WORDS:
1. FUUUUCK!
2. Dammit.
3. Aw hell!

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Financial Independence
2. Adulthood
3. A lacy bustiere.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. Laughing. Each and every day.
2. Trust. Seriously, running around on me with other girls isn't very cool.
3. Dom Monaghan would be nice.

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. If I became rich, my first purchase would be a pet monkey.
2. The first time I catheterized a live male, it took me 5 or 6 tries. Poor guy.
3. I think feet are sexy.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT A PERSON THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Voice. Some men can just speak and it's sexy.
2. Eyes. Beautiful eyes are hot. Think Elijah Wood.
3. Highlighted hair.

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Drive under the speed limit.
2. Not shop at Wal-Mart, though I'm convinced it's an empire of evil.
3. Stop downloading pirated music. It's a message to the music industry. Also, I'm poor.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE PASTIMES:
1. Photography
2. Reading fanfiction
3. Browsing eBay

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Drink. And I'm not talkin' 'bout water, either.
2. Assassinate the person responsible for all the popups on my screen.
3. Watch Napoleon Dynamite, even though it's not yet available.

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Nursing, perhaps?
2. Professional Trophy Wife
3. Extra on the set of Lost. I could be a palm tree or something.

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION/HOLIDAY:
1. Italy!
2. Egypt. Without all that Middle East conflict stuff.
3. Hawaii.

THREE KIDS' NAMES:
1. Child #1
2. Accident
3. Tax Deduction
(sorry, I'm not too big on the idea of children right now.)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Don't laugh at me. Meet Dominic Monaghan. I told you not to laugh!
2. Tour Europe in depth.
3. Be thought of as a success.

THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ OR YOU WILL (insert random act of comedy here):
1. Shirebourn
2. Um, I have no friends. Except Lyssbobiss. And she's already taken it.
3. See #2.

Confessions, Part XXIMCXVI - 2004-12-13 11:15 p.m.

I think Willie Nelson is underrated. Kids today would really love some of the red-headed stranger's dope beats.

I get 99.9% of my news from The Daily Show. Go ignorance!

I picked up a $10.00 tube of cellulite-removing weight-trimming cream at Wal-Mart a few weeks ago. It doesn't work.

The Dreidel Song has been on a constant loop in my head for, what, 7 days now?!

I could be giving an unconscious person CPR, and totally give up if I saw that one of those 23948203 nostalgia shows was airing on VH1.

My sister and I tape and archive every single episode of Lost.

Stupid Llama - 2004-11-26 10:37 a.m.

Hello friends. I am nearing the end of my super-awesome internship at the state mental hospital. Basically, crazy people rock and I hope they give me a job.

I am enamored with the new cineplex in Huntington. I cannot believe a theater of this magnitude exists so near me. I have big plans of stealing one of the reclining rocker chairs for my home.

I realize I'm coming to this conclusion 38 years after the rest of the world, but Napoleon Dynamite was an amusing film.

The cat has brought fleas into my bedroom, and I am pissed off to the nth degree. It is henceforth uninhabitable until we get some flea bombs up in here.

Would you make fun of me if I buy a little pick-up truck next year? Because I'm considering it. I need four-wheel drive and cannot afford a gas-guzzling SUV. I'm also purchasing a nifty laptop from my friends at Dell. I am eagerly awaiting my upcoming financial independence.

And if you would make fun of me, then fuck you.